The Amazon facility where a worker died earlier this week (Western Edge: Ryan Haas)

Apr 18 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting

Amazon has issued a heartfelt statement about an employee who died while on the job earlier this week, but insiders claim that nothing will change.

While Amazon claimed the worker died of a “pre-existing medical condition”, workers at the Oregon warehouse have complained of extreme heat and being pushed to work too hard.

A manager allegedly told another employee not to render assistance and to “get back to work”.

Despite this, and allegedly creating the circumstances which caused his death in the first place, an official statement from Amazon claimed the company was "deeply saddened" by the worker's death.

Amazon insider Narcoleptic Bozo (name changed to protect his identity) said that the company has no plans to change its high-stress, high-pressure work environments.

“People think dying is bad, but we see dying - especially while at work - as a blessing in disguise,” Bozo said.

“We can all agree that the Monday-to-Friday, nine-to-five grind sucks, so we like to view death as an early retirement, like a long break, and who wouldn’t want that?”

Bozo said that any employee who died while on the job was granted Amazon’s “highest honour of being crowned employee of the month” and then reflected sadly upon a tornado that claimed the lives of six Illinois Amazon employees in 2021.

“Unfortunately we couldn’t give them all employee of the month because that would take up half the year, depriving other valuable employees of their time in the sun.

“At the end of the day, that’s company policy, and we have to follow company policy whether it’s moral and just or not.”

That incident occurred because Amazon ignored tornado warnings and requested their staff to go to work despite the danger, resulting in the building collapsing and numerous casualties.

This March, they ignored tornado warnings again and asked employees to work outside even while emergency sirens were sounding.

It was only because the tornado changed course that nobody was injured.

An insider from the Grim Reaper’s office, Hooded Figure (name changed to protect its unearthly identity) lambasted companies like Amazon for making their job unnecessarily hard.

“You might think those Amazon workers have it tough, having to urinate in bottles while on the job, work during natural disasters and continue their duties as their friend and colleague lies dead next to them, but think about us,” Figure said.

“We’ve had so many people pencilled in for a late death after living a full, happy life, but then their employer puts them in unsafe working conditions and all of a sudden we have to go up and collect somebody twenty or more years before they’re due for the grave!

“We might be eternal but we need to have a healthy work-life balance just like you living folk, so you’d better believe we’re in talks with our union about all of this.”

A report by the U.S. Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions in 2024 found that workers in Amazon warehouses were almost twice as likely to be injured than those in warehouses run by other companies.

The report alleged that Amazon was maximising worker productivity at the expense of their safety, and also discouraged workers from seeking outside medical care while forcing them to return to work before they have recovered from their injuries.

Bozo said that these things have nothing to do with worker safety and instead blamed “everything on DEI”.

“The Democrats and their DEI policies forced us to employ so many people with these pre-existing medical conditions,” Bozo said.

“If we didn’t have to hire so many people with hearts that didn’t work properly, we could make our working conditions even worse and overwork them as much as we wanted.

“Not that I would know how hard these people work, I just sit around my air-conditioned office all day wondering how to make more money for the company.”

Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned Amazon’s motivations.

“Amazon can’t convince me to watch a documentary about Melania Trump and they sure can’t convince me that their working conditions are fair and reasonable,” Figure said.

“In fact, I’m pretty sure the only way working conditions would be worse for those people is if Melania was playing on loop in the background.”

Amazon spent $75 million buying the rights to and marketing Melania, a move which some U.S. senators believe may constitute a bribe.

Hooded Figure went on to say that “America isn’t the place it once was”.

“There was a time where something like bone spurs would get you out of hard work.

“Now if you're an employee at Amazon and you tell your boss you've got a weak heart, they'd happily work you to death because they can just blame it on your 'pre-existing medical condition' and avoid any legal consequences."

A mobile phone, which can be used to read lies (Image credit - Unsplash: Paul Hanaoka)

Apr 11 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting

Numerous tech companies came together this week to defend the inaccuracy of their large language models (LLMs) following recent news about a test conducted by a team in Sweden in 2024.

The test involved the creation of a “made up” medical paper which contained a “made up” medical condition found on “fifty made-up individuals”.

Despite the paper clearly stating that these elements were fictional, numerous LLMs at the time reported that the condition was legitimate.

Some LLMs continue to do so today.

Insiders from Microsoft, Google and OpenAI immediately provided a statement to The Weekly Conspirator, but it had clearly been AI-generated because it said that “large tech companies want more misinformation on the Internet because misinformed people usually vote for the governmental candidates that let them maximise their profits via unethical means”.

This is obviously false.

Instead, we spoke with Microsoft insider Mankind Divided (name changed to protect their identity) who told us the truth.

“There is a lot of misinformation out there on the Internet, and it really is a shame when our friends and neighbours start believing things that aren’t true,” Divided said.

“So we invented these LLMs that lie to people to help train people against misinformation.

“That’s why we always have a disclaimer that says our AI models don’t always give correct information.

“If we tell our users that the AI-generated answer might contain lies, but not which part of it is a lie, we are effectively training the entire population of the world to better detect falsehoods.”

Misinformation expert Moth-eaten Blanket (name changed to protect her identity) determined that sharing more misinformation at a time where misinformation is already so prominent "could not possibly have any adverse effects".

“You have to fight fire with fire,” Blanket said.

“If someone lies to you, the best way to get the truth out there is to spread more, different lies.

“I have it on good authority that two wrongs make a right - I am a misinformation expert, after all.”

Mankind Divided said that “everything Microsoft has ever done is to better the planet and the people who live here”.

“For example, when we realised our massive investment into our AI data centres was going to accelerate climate change, we spent almost two billion dollars on programs that would counter that acceleration,” Divided said.

“If someone murders five men in cold blood, that’s completely okay, so long as they help bring five more babies into the world.

“We’re a very moral company, and it’s completely out of touch with reality to paint us as morally-bankrupt, money-hungry manipulators and liars who thrive in a world where people hate their neighbours and love the rich and powerful.”

Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned Microsoft’s motivations.

“I think they’re morally-bankrupt, money-hungry manipulators and liars who thrive in a world where people hate their neighbours and love the rich and powerful.”

Israeli defense minister Israel Katz and IDF chief of staff Eyal Zamir (image credit - Israel Ministry of Defense: Ariel Hermoni)

April 4 2026 - Europe correspondent Spigot Wazzle reporting

The Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has defended a targeted strike it made on a vehicle containing three journalists earlier this week.

All three journalists died in the strike.

IDF insider Iron Lung (name changed to protect his identity) said that Israeli soldiers are doing the world “a service”.

“The world is a depressing place, and it’s all because of these journalists,” Lung said.

“All they do is report war, civilian death, genocide, bad news, bad news - we’re sick of hearing bad news."

Lung then quoted a passage of the Torah: “How welcome on the mountain are the footsteps of the herald announcing happiness, heralding good fortune, announcing victory, telling Zion, ‘Your God reigns!’

“If a journalist doesn’t do or say any of that, we kill them.”

According to the Committee to Protect Journalists (CPJ), two-thirds of all journalists killed in 2024 and 2025 were killed by the Israeli military.

The CPJ also reports that the IDF has killed more journalists than any other country’s military since their records began in 1992.

Journalists are classified as civilians under Protocol I of the Geneva Conventions, which means that targeted attacks on journalists are considered war crimes.

The International Criminal Court (ICC) issued Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu with an arrest warrant in 2024, accusing him of committing war crimes and crimes against humanity (such as attacks on civilians) during the Gaza war.

However, the ICC relies on the cooperation of the accused, so no action has been taken yet.

ICC insider Utmost Concern (name changed to protect his identity) said it is up to the war criminal to “do the right thing and submit themselves” to the ICC.

“It’s basically an honour system,” Concern said.

“We don’t have the authority to police the world, so we can only police those who submit themselves to our policing.

“The Geneva Conventions - which are established by a different entity to us, the United Nations - work the same way: if a country decides to abide by the Geneva Conventions, then they have to punish themselves if they breach it.”

Israel, for example, has not signed Protocol I of the Geneva Conventions, which allows the country to invalidate the wartime rights of Palestinian forces and commit criminal acts (such as attacks on civilians) with impunity.

“If a country decides that international law doesn’t apply to them, then they don’t have to follow it,” Concern said.

“It makes sense to me.”

US military commanders were reported earlier in the year to have told their troops that president Donald Trump was acting to fulfil “God’s divine plan” and that the war in Iran would bring about Armageddon.

Iron Lung confirmed that the IDF saw their killing of journalists as similarly holy, albeit on a smaller scale.

“What is a journalist but a prophet who reports on the present instead of the future?” Lung said.

He then quoted the Torah again: “The prophet who intentionally speaks a word in My name, which I did not command him to speak, or who speaks in the name of other gods, that prophet shall die.

“Now if you say to yourself, ‘How will we know the word that the Lord did not speak?’

“If the prophet speaks in the name of the Lord, and the thing does not occur and does not come about, it is because we killed them to stop them from reporting on the war crime, which is basically the same as the war crime never having occurred at all.”

Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the ICC’s motivations.

“Maybe this so-called International Criminal Court hasn’t heard about what happens to us ordinary folk when we decide that the law doesn’t apply to us, or that we don’t have to respect or abide by the law,” Figure said.

“Last year, an Australian man called Dezi Freeman decided that Australian law didn’t apply to him and that state authorities had no right to imprison him, and do you know what happened to him?

“He got shot.”

Australian soldiers conducting an exercise (image credit - Australian Department of Defence)

Mar 28 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting

A study conducted by the Australian National University (ANU) earlier this week found that almost half of Australians surveyed believe a foreign military will attack Australia in the next five years.

One Nation insider Musk Stick (name changed to protect her identity) revealed yesterday that those Australians have every reason to worry.

“Australia has been invaded once before, a very long time ago, by people who imposed their society upon those living here, and even tried to wipe them out.

“If the documents we’ve found are true, it will happen again, and very soon - unless Pauline Hanson becomes Prime Minister, of course.”

Stick said that One Nation found these documents in the Parliament of South Australia, and that the party was able to view these documents due to their “immense success” in the state.

“All the big news outlets are talking about our amazing results in South Australia, and yours should too,” Stick said.

“A historic result, they’re saying; a breakthrough result, they’re saying; a success!”

The Labor Party won 33 seats in the recent state election in South Australia.

One Nation won two seats.

Labor insider Speck Jellybean (name changed to protect her identity) denied that any foreign military is planning on physically invading Australia.

“No one would ever want to invade us - we’re giving our natural resources away for such a low price that some countries are even selling them to other countries and making a profit,” Jellybean said.

“No one would wage a war against someone who’s already practically surrendered.”

ANU’s study also suggested that an overwhelming majority of Australians surveyed were concerned that foreign disinformation campaigns using AI would be a problem in the next five years.

“That’s what we’re actually worried about,” Jellybean said.

“What we’re seeing right now are people from Vietnam potentially being paid to post AI-generated videos and pictures that paint Pauline Hanson and people like Peta Credlin in a positive light.

“Of course Hanson can predict that those attacks might end if she becomes PM.”

Stick claimed Labor was “betraying their values”.

“It’s absolutely despicable of the Labor party to blame foreign Asians for the degradation of Australian society.

“That’s One Nation’s job.”

Stick also found it “distressing” that AI-generated content of Pauline Hanson was circulating online.

“If AI can be used to sow anger among the Australian people, and spread hate, division and lies, where does that leave our poor Pauline?

“It’s hard to believe that the rise of AI might leave her without a job too, just like so many other Aussie battlers.”

Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the Australian government’s motivations.

“I don’t think undertaxing our billionaires and undercharging for our exports keeps Australians safe from foreign invasion.

“The only result is that all governments - state and federal - can’t find the money to properly pay public school teachers in Victoria and the public servants working nationally for the ABC.

“Every poorly-educated or ill-informed Australian is a chip in our armour - the truth is that foreign invasions don’t just come in the form of boots on the ground anymore; they come as lies on the Web.”

One Nation leader Pauline Hanson (image credit - NewsWire: Martin Ollman)

Mar 21 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting

Earlier this week, Pauline Hanson’s One Nation’s Pauline Hanson was found to have failed to declare her use of billionaire Gina Rinehart’s private jet on three occasions.

The Guardian Australia asked Hanson about these flights, and while she did not respond to the publication’s questions, she did immediately declare them to the Senate registrar.

One Nation insider Musk Stick (name changed to protect her identity) said that these trips should not have been declared because they are “top-secret” outings to “drill for oil”.

“It’s no secret that Australians need oil right now due to the conflict in Iran, and Gina Rinehart is perfectly-positioned as a mining magnate to help find us more oil.

“Pauline Hanson is the only one willing to get her hands dirty and fix the problem herself, and my question is why aren’t all the other pollies working twelve-hour shifts in the oil mines or wherever you get oil from?”

The flights that Hanson failed to declare were on two days in August and one day in December last year - in other words, nowhere near the beginning of the war in Iran.

When Stick was reminded of these dates, she said to “ignore everything [she] just said” and promised that “Ms Hanson has no more flights to declare”.

Hanson was jailed in 2003 for electoral fraud, and soon after leaving prison said she would “need rocks in [her] bloody head” to consider working in politics again after that.

She has been involved in politics for many years since.

Labor insider Speck Jellybean (name changed to protect her identity) said that Stick’s justifications did not “make any sense”.

“Ignoring the fact that the dates don’t even line up, wouldn’t the kerosene used to fly Hanson over to a mine in rural Australia be higher than any drilling one person can do in one twelve-hour shift?”

Jellybean then admitted that she didn’t “really know how any of this works” and that she “doesn’t even know where oil comes from”.

Last year many Labor politicians also came under fire for abusing parliamentary privileges to give their family members business-class flights to dinners and events.

Labor responded by deferring to the Remuneration Tribunal, which recommended removing previously unlimited caps on expenses for senior officials and limiting taxpayer-funded family flights to economy class.

Jellybean said that there was “no chance” of imposing similar restrictions on billionaire donations and gifts.

“We’re still holding out hope that one day, one of us will get a free private jet flight from a big wig like Gina Rinehart or Rupert Murdoch.

“To get their approval, we'll drift as far right as we have to!”

Stick said that it was “typical” of the Labor government to fail to stand up to blatant corruption and political interference.

“One Nation would never do that while in power.

“We’re only doing that now because we’re not in power, but once we’re in power, we’ll definitely stop.

“We can stop anytime we like, actually.”

Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned One Nation’s motivations.

“It’s completely ridiculous to fly one politician out into nonexistent Australian oil fields to resolve the oil crisis.

“What we should be doing instead is retrieving dinosaur DNA from a mosquito trapped in amber so that we can bring dinosaurs back to life, and then convert those living dinosaurs into oil by fast-tracking the natural processes by which dinosaur bones become crude oil deep underground.

“I reckon the mainstream media would be more likely to agree to that then they would to encouraging Aussies to buy more electric cars, don’t you?”

U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth (image credit - Reuters: Elizabeth Frantz)

Mar 14 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting

A U.S. Department of Defense (DoD) insider has justified record spending last September by saying it is consistent with the DoD’s values.

The DoD spent $93 billion in September alone last year, with millions being spent on Alaskan king crab and lobster tail.

DoD insider Bloody Mary (name changed to protect his identity) said that the reason the DoD purchased thousands of crabs was to use them as weapons of war.

“I recently learned about this thing called carcinisation, and at first I thought it had something to do with cancer, but then I actually read beyond the first word of the Wikipedia article and I found out it had something to do with Cancer - you know, the big crab in the sky that tells us what to do,” Mary said.

“Now, the Republican party doesn’t believe in evolution, but we’re also huge hypocrites, so when evolution can help us make money or win a war, we do believe in it.”

Mary said that the DoD has been leaving an equal number of loaded firearms and Alaskan king crabs in numerous locked rooms at the Pentagon in the hope that the guns become more “crab-like”.

“A gun that’s also a crab could be the future of warfare.”

Mary said that nothing has happened so far, but that 'Operation Crab Mentality' is nonetheless an “incredible success.”

“We have proved that evolution is a lie and, when the crabs inevitably died from being around live firearms with the safeties turned off, we got to eat them.

“I mean, it’d be a complete waste of taxpayer money not to eat them, right?

“Anyway, if you want to complain about the government wasting the taxpayer’s money, don’t look at us - look at those bozos at ICE.”

Mary pointed to U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) spending millions of dollars buying thousands of vehicles and wrapping them in ICE fleet livery last year.

However, insiders have said it is against protocol for officers to drive marked cars, so most of these cars are sitting idle in ICE facilities.

Insiders have also expressed concerns that the marked vehicles would alert the public of ICE working in the area and that operations might be interfered with.

Department of Homeland Security (DHS) insider Elven Kind (name changed to protect her identity) said that U.S. taxpayers are to blame for this wasteful government spending.

“Our brave ICE agents are scared for their lives because whenever they try to do something illegal, immoral, unconstitutional, or all of the above, members of the public threaten the lives of those ICE officers by recording them doing those illegal, immoral or unconstitutional things,” Kind said.

“If all of you hadn’t made our officers ashamed of working for our corrupt government, they would love to drive these marked cars around, but nobody ever thinks of the poor ICE officers.

“Anyway, if you want to complain about us being a bunch of wimps, don’t look at us - look at those bozos on the police force.”

Kind pointed to a recent investigation, which found that a Connecticut police shooting last year concluded with police officers prioritising ambulance transportation for an unwounded officer over the victim of the shooting, who was bleeding and had severe injuries.

The victim, Dyshan Best, had to wait an additional 10 minutes for a second ambulance to arrive, and later died in hospital.

Bridgeport Police Department insider Rule Britannia (name changed to protect her identity) said that they made the right decision and acted in the police department’s “best interests”.

“The police have been unjustly shooting just as many people as we always have, but we never make the news anymore.

“We’re just trying to stay relevant in the news, but ICE is getting all the attention now, and apparently the Department of Defense bombed a school in Iran and killed over a hundred children - how are we supposed to compete with that?

“I mean, if you want to complain about government-sponsored atrocities, don’t look at us - look at those bozos in the Department of Defense.”

DoD insider Bloody Mary declined to comment and said that he was too busy supporting Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth following recent events.

"He never liked having his picture taken," Mary said.

"It really makes you wonder why he got into broadcast news."

Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the motivations of everyone involved.

“You’ll never get anywhere just blaming somebody else - eventually these institutions have to take some kind of responsibility.

“I blame the government.”

A strike causes smoke in Tehran, Iran (Image credit - Associated Press: Mohsen Ganji)

Mar 7 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting

Israel-U.S. strikes against Iran last week are a bid to help the U.S. become a Eurovision contestant, inside sources say.

This comes after a week of differing and sometimes contradictory justifications from the White House, including a preemptive attack to prevent Iran striking the U.S. first, the strikes being a response to “stall tactics” in peace negotiations, regime change, freedom for the Iranian people, and as retaliation for alleged Iranian plots to kill Donald Trump.

U.S. Department of Defense insider Bloody Mary (name changed to protect his identity) said that these reasons are “mainly a smokescreen”.

“The U.S. is the greatest country in the world and we are sick and tired of going unnoticed on the global stage.

“We want in on Eurovision, and the way to get in on it is clear.”

Mary explained that Russia was excluded from Eurovision for waging war in Europe, but Israel was not excluded for waging war in the Middle East.

“We don’t make the rules.

“If war in the Middle East is what we have to do for the Eurovision Song Contest to finally notice us, then we’ll start one.”

The Eurovision Song Contest is currently open to all countries belonging to the Council of Europe, or those that fall within the European Broadcasting Area, which includes a number in Africa and the Middle East.

Exceptions have been made before, however.

For example, Australia does not fulfil either of these requirements but was invited to participate by the European Broadcasting Union (EBU) in 2015, and has competed annually ever since.

The United States of America has never been invited.

EBU insider Dito Viscido (name changed to protect his identity) claimed that this kind of behaviour was “typical” of the United States.

“They think everything can be solved by going to war in the Middle East.

“Instead of cooperation and inclusion, they chose competition and war, like they always do.”

Viscido stressed that no American broadcaster ever reached out to the EBU to discuss joining the Eurovision Song Contest.

Instead, the EBU proposed an American-only music competition, the American Song Contest, which broadcasted in 2022.

“We only did that because we knew they’d say ‘yes’ and give us the money, really.

“Americans love a competition where they’re guaranteed to win.”

The American Song Contest was not renewed for a second season.

Bloody Mary blamed Joe Biden for the competition's failure, and said that "unlike Mr Biden, we're not scared of taking the fight to where it counts”.

“Who cares why we’re going to war, anyway?

“Whether we’re fighting to join Eurovision, for barrels of oil, or to fatten the coffers of our weapons manufacturers, we intend to ignore the needs of our own citizens while we send our military off to some foreign country to make things marginally worse or, if we’re lucky, better.

“It’s the American way.”

Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the U.S. government’s motivations.

“This is the stupidest conspiracy I’ve ever heard.

“We all know that Iran was intending on staging an illegal entry into Eurovision, and that’s the kind of threat Israel and the U.S. take very seriously.”

A WRAP device that ICE uses on detainees (Image credit - Safe Restraints Inc.)

Feb 28 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting

U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) treatment of detainees is under scrutiny again following a recent bill introduced by Democrats in the House of Representatives.

The bill seeks to restrict how the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) could use full-body restraint devices that have been regularly implemented by ICE under the Trump administration.

California-based Safe Restraints Inc. designed these devices, called WRAPs, to be used on violent and erratic criminals and detainees.

Instead, ICE officers are restraining detainees with WRAPs to deny them their rights, to intimidate other detainees, and to punish them for refusing to cooperate with their demands, according to an Associated Press report last year.

Democrat insider Fried Weasel (name changed to protect her identity) said that she cannot believe the atrocities ICE is committing.

“When you hear these stories of detainees having their arms broken for refusing to sign documents, or of people being trafficked to countries they have never even been to before, or of citizens being pinned down and shot by ICE officers, I just cannot believe that my fellow Americans are to blame.

“The only possible explanation is that a time-travelling cabal has infiltrated the government and hired ten thousand ancient Roman, Spartan and Chinese disciplinarians to enact such barbaric and antiquated violence.”

The number of ICE officers has more than doubled under the current Trump administration, from 10,000 personnel to 22,000.

“Considering Trump’s latest polls, I’m surprised there are 12,000 Americans who want to vote for him, let alone commit atrocities for him,” Weasel said.

“Time travel is the only possible explanation.”

No ICE officers have been seen speaking Latin, Doric Greek or Middle Chinese.

DHS insider Elven Kind (name changed to protect her identity) called this allegation “outrageous”.

“Our ICE officers who break detainees’ arms for refusing to sign documents, send detainees off to foreign countries or places without any regard for their wellbeing, and pin down and execute people at protests are all proud Americans.

“It is just typical of the woke Democrat mob to forget that we as Americans have a long and proud history of torture and corporal punishment.”

Elven Kind then went on to point out unlawful killings and massacres by U.S. troops in Afghanistan, prisoner abuse by U.S. intelligence agents in Iraq’s Abu Ghraib, and the U.S. government’s waterboarding of detainees at Guantánamo Bay detention camp.

“Everyone says waterboarding is torture but we just say it isn’t and the Republican Party has found that to be a pretty good workaround,” Kind said.

“It’s been like that since [former U.S. president] George Bush.

“If the Democrats want to protect our citizens from tyranny, why didn’t they make it illegal?”

Weasel said that the House of Representatives passed a bill that would outlaw waterboarding as an interrogation technique in 2007, but then-president George Bush vetoed it the following year.

“Oh God, the president is going to veto this one too, isn’t he?” Weasel said.

Fried Weasel stressed that the Democrats could not possibly accomplish anything without the time travel technology given to the Republicans by the billionaire class.

“We really could accomplish great things if we had a handful of ancient Roman senators on our side.

“I think Joe Biden would really get along with them.”

Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the Democrats’ motivations.

“I find it very hard to believe that ancient Romans work for ICE.

“It’s far more likely that Americans are working for an oppressive government because the billionaire class has created an America where the only way out of poverty and powerlessness is to work for an oppressive government.”

If the Republicans actually did have access to time travel, Figure asserted that the plan would be to recruit German Nazis and have them work for ICE so they could “kill two birds with one stone”.

“This would weaken the German military and allow the Allies to more easily win the war (letting the U.S. look like the good guys even though they killed over a hundred thousand Japanese civilians) while also strengthening the ranks of their neo-Sturmabteilung in the present day.

“But I guess the Republicans are still being tight-lipped about the whole 'fascist' thing.”

Dissent Cafe and Bar in Canberra (Image credit - Dissent Cafe and Bar)

Feb 21 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting

The Labor government and Australian Capital Territory (ACT) Policing have defended a police decision to seize a number of posters depicting various notable tyrants as Nazis.

On Wednesday, ACT police declared Canberra’s Dissent Cafe and Bar a crime scene, causing the venue to shut its doors while officers investigated whether the posters they removed from the venue were in breach of laws passed earlier this year aiming to combat antisemitism, hate and extremism.

The posters in question, by art group Grow Up Art, depicted Russian president Vladimir Putin, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu, US president Donald Trump, US vice president JD Vance and wealthiest person in the world Elon Musk wearing Nazi uniforms.

The new Commonwealth anti-hate laws allow police officers to seize objects displaying prohibited hate symbols in public, although there are provisions for “religious, academic, educational, artistic, literary, scientific or journalistic” purposes.

ACT Policing Deputy Chief Police Officer Pauline Hudson agreed that the above defence has been “carved out” in the legislation, but that “it has to be borne out in the court process”.

Labor insider Speck Jellybean (name changed to protect her identity) defended the interpretation of the law by police.

“We all know that the government makes the laws, police officers enforce the law, and the courts determine whether the enforcement was correct or not after the fact.

“Police officers have enough on their hands already - can we really expect them to think before they act on top of everything else?

“None of us can decide what is and isn’t moral - only a court of law can decide our morality.”

Police expert and insider Sundried Tomato (name changed to protect his identity) also defended the actions of ACT police.

“There is a thin blue line between peace and chaos, and that’s us.”

Tomato pointed to last week’s protest against the arrival of Israeli president Isaac Herzog in Sydney, where police officers were filmed seeming to punch a man who had his hands up, and were later that day filmed dragging Muslims away from their sunset (Maghrib) prayer.

“Look at how peaceful that protest was until police intervened,” Tomato said.

“Wait, I got that wrong, can I do that again?”

Labor’s Jellybean declared that the seizure of the posters on Wednesday was a fantastic example of the anti-hate laws in action.

“The Jewish community needs our protection, and the best way to protect them is to remove any public criticism of the Nazis and people who act like Nazis.

“Criticising Nazis is antisemitic, and if that doesn’t make sense, take the law before a federal judge and they will help you figure it out - it’s really that simple.”

Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the police’s motivations.

“How do we know that those officers didn’t take those posters down so they could run background checks on those guys and make sure they weren’t actually Nazis?”

Figure said that it was “very unlikely” that Putin, Netanyahu, Trump, Vance and Musk were actually involved in a “secret Nazi cabal.”

“Those men might be selfish; those men might be manipulative; those men might be narcissistic; those men might be warmongers; those men might be liars; those men might be greedy; those men might be vindictive; those men might be power-hungry; and some of those men might be wanted for war crimes by the International Criminal Court, but they are not Nazis.”

New leader of the Liberals Angus Taylor (Image credit - NewsWire: Martin Ollman)

Feb 14 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting

Big changes are allegedly coming to the Liberal Party following Angus Taylor’s election as leader.

Chief among them are the canning of TV show ‘Coalition At First Sight’ (alleged brainchild of former Opposition Leader Sussan Ley) and an attempt to distance themselves from One Nation.

“CAFS is one hundred percent dead in the water,” Liberals insider Star Wallsplat (name changed to protect his identity) told The Weekly Conspirator yesterday.

“We all know that reality television is for women, and Angus Taylor is a man, so obviously that idea went straight into the bin.”

Gal Zoogle (name changed to protect her identity) claimed that she still spoke on behalf of ousted Opposition Leader Sussan Ley despite Ley’s departure from politics.

“Sussan is incredibly passionate about CAFS and I’m sure she will be relentlessly pursuing the idea outside of Parliament House.”

Other insiders within the Liberals (who would only speak if promised anonymity and a litre of milk) claimed that ‘Coalition At First Sight’ was a product of Gal Zoogle and not Sussan Ley.

“What would I stand to gain by suggesting Ley wants to waste taxpayer money on a useless reality TV show the week before a spill motion?” Zoogle said.

“It’s preposterous - cartoonish, even.”

Also off the cards are any relations between the Liberals and Pauline Hanson’s One Nation, according to Wallsplat.

“We should not be trying to integrate with One Nation - we should be trying to differentiate ourselves from them.

“One Nation is a crackpot conservative party that’s backed by the wealthy elite and only interested in saying and doing the opposite of whatever Albanese says and does, run by a woman.

“Our party is run by a bloke now, so that should make it easier for the average voter to tell the difference.”

Labor insider Speck Jellybean (name changed to protect her identity) claimed the ALP is in for a “cruisy” two-and-a-half years.

“While the Opposition tears themselves apart and struggles to find an appealing figurehead for a ship that’s sinking anyway, we can pass all the laws we want.

“Or we’ll probably do nothing major and just take it easy - that sounds pretty good to me.”

Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned Labor’s motivations.

“What the Labor party fails to understand is that all inaction has an equal and opposite reaction.

“If they rest on their laurels and refuse to go to work, then so shall I - I have done enough for this world and will never speak again.”

Star Wallsplat, Gal Zoogle and Speck Jellybean all said that they would “like that very much.”

Liberals leader Sussan Ley, left (Image credit - ABC News: Matt Roberts)

Feb 7 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting

The Liberals are allegedly considering using Prime Minister Anthony Albanese’s damning comments comparing them to Married At First Sight (MAFS) as a chance to launch a new political strategy.

Liberals insider Gal Zoogle (name changed to protect her identity) said this is an “opportunity and not a setback” and that they would be using the comments as “constructive criticism”.

This Monday, Albanese said that just like many MAFS contestants, the Liberals and the Nationals were engaging in lying, cheating, and “bizarre behaviour”.

“Let’s ignore that part,” Zoogle said.

“Instead, we’re going to think about what else the highly-successful TV show (MAFS) can offer as inspiration.”

According to Zoogle, the Liberals intend to form a coalition with Pauline Hanson’s One Nation party for eight weeks and document the results on-camera.

The new reality series will be called ‘Coalition at First Sight’.

“Our hope is that CAFS will show Australian voters that we can work together with One Nation, and that we’re happy to stand for whatever they stand for if it gets us more votes next election.

“Pauline Hanson could be our Ms. Right.”

Whether the experiment is a success or failure, the plan is for the ABC to air CAFS later this year.

Zoogle hopes the show will be a “massive success” for the ABC, and said that it would “be about time that useless channel made some money”.

One Nation insider Musk Stick (name changed to protect her identity) said that there was no chance they would ever collaborate with the Liberals.

“Unless they offer us more money than we’re already receiving from our donors, we have no interest in ‘marrying’ them or whatever it is they’re asking for.

“The Australian public has said it loud and clear: they don’t want a Liberal party funded by millionaire puppet masters, they want One Nation to be funded by millionaire puppet masters.

“We don’t need to coalesce with anybody.”

Zoogle says that the plans to launch CAFS are still in the early stages.

“I have no idea how the format will work - it’s not my job to produce a TV show, I’m here to serve the Australian people.

“And clearly what the Australian people want is reality television.”

Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the Liberals’ motivations.

“This is just the first step in their attempt to conquer Australia, I’m sure of it.

“First they’ll form a coalition with One Nation, and then with the Greens, and then with the Nationals again, and then with the Labor party.

“Once all the parties are united, nothing will stop them from having complete control over the lot of us.”

However, Figure has said that he would “certainly” watch CAFS if it aired as Zoogle intends.

“I love reality television.”

FBI director Kash Patel (Image credit - Getty Images: Kayla Bartkowski)

Jan 31 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting

Federal agents have confirmed today that FBI Director Kash Patel has ordered them to begin eating the Epstein Files.

Congress ordered the Department of Justice to release all of the Epstein Files late last year, but they have only released one percent of them.

Insider source Stink Flimflam (name changed to protect her identity) said that eating the files is the only solution.

"By eating the files, suddenly one percent of files released becomes two percent, and we look a lot more competent."

According to Flimflam, the FBI has realised the Epstein Files would take "five hundred years" to "properly" redact.

"It really doesn't make any sense to destroy evidence, but we just have to do what the boss says.

"Intelligence agents are forbidden from using their intelligence or their agency."

Agents were allegedly asked to eat the documents by themselves, but the FBI altered their strategy after numerous agents complained of feeling unwell.

"Photos and documents are shredded and then blended through things like meatloaf, smoothies and porridge, which we consume while working our twelve-hour shifts.

"I've actually gotten quite used to the taste.

"We also send the shredded documents to be mixed into gruel for prisoners, and them eating the documents counts as fulfilling community service."

Local pastor Sherbet Fizz (name changed to protect his identity) said the FBI asked if he would like any food containing the Epstein files to distribute to the poor and needy.

"I declined, of course.

"My concern is that the darkness contained within those files will corrupt my constituents if ingested."

Flimflam said that the FBI was considering other ways to dispose of the destroyed documents, including mixing the contents through school lunches.

However, she added that "feeding growing children is not a priority for the US government right now."

Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the FBI's motivations.

"Redacting the files is all well and good, but destroying them is a step too far.

"I think they're hiding something."